Quote of the Day

Finding out too late that one of your clients is a narcissist can be costly, not only emotionally, but also financially, and professionally.  The narcissist's attitude of entitlement alongside a potentially compromised capacity for ethical behavior can leave you high and dry after investing considerable effort, time, and money.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 153

Quote of the Day

Anyone who has walked the gauntlet of dealing with an NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) individual in the workplace knows full well how painful things can become.  Your best protection is identifying this individual early in the game and employing self-preservation strategies.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 151

Quote of the Day

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.
 
-- James Baldwin

Quote of the Day

Use the leverage of your own expertise or productivity to keep the NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) person's behaviors in check.  Be cautious as you offer your advice, remaining vigilant about what the NPD individual wants from you.  Remember that any honeymoon period of cooperation you have with this person will last only as long as you have something she wants from you.  Steel yourself for the moment when she projects her difficulties onto you.  Be ready to stand up for yourself calmly and firmly without the expectation that she will acknowledge your position.  For emotional support, utilize an outside support person (preferably outside the work setting, or an ironclad safe person within the work setting) who can validate your efforts and encourage you to stand up for yourself.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 148-149

Quote of the Day

... you many not be immediately aware of the presence of this (narcissistic personality) disorder in a person until she feels displeased with you in some way.  Initially, in fact, if you have something that an NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) colleague wants, such as status, money, power, beauty, etc., she may pursue and shower you with attention in an effort to gratify you.  However, as soon [as] you become more closely involved with her, you will begin to feel the current of the one-way street.  At first you may simply feel a sense of frustration that this person tends to distract you from your work, perhaps requiring an excess of attention and support.  Inevitably, over time, you will have stronger feelings of frustration and exasperation, as well as a growing uneasiness about the relationship.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 146-147

Quote of the Day

 The NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) businessperson is acutely aware of who is getting what in terms of recognition, opportunity, and power-making decisions.  The ability to gain influence over potential competitors is a drive that will not abate until the NPD individual has surpassed that person or neutralized any threat to his own goal.  Consequently, you must achieve a bottom line of boundary setting ability with this person.  This is essential if you are going to prevent problems or defend yourself effectively from the NPD coworker or, worse yet, the NPD boss.  Along with protecting yourself from hurt, exploitation, or betrayal, we are also now talking about self-preservation in terms of your career.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 146

Quote of the Day

... no one can play tougher, meaner, and more cleverly than the NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) individual.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 146

Quote of the Day

The more narcissistic, self-absorbed, or "me focused" an individual is, the more she is caught in the perpetual striving to feel important, valued, stable, and secure.  The codependent individual, who is "other focused," is stuck striving for a sense of self by gaining and maintaining the acceptance and approval of others (primarily through their ability to give -- especially empathy).  The narcissistic individual typically externalizes her flaws onto others and defends against the self-reflection that would require developing empathy for others.  Similarly, the codependent is the person who internalizes the flaws of others onto herself and defends against recognizing her need to develop her strengths through self-assertion and self-care.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 145

Quote of the Day

Overall, the ability to consider others and be concerned about their needs is a quality that is quite wonderful to have.  However, when we always push the same character quality to the front of the line, the virtues of listening, empathizing, and supporting quickly turn into the character defect of care-taking behaviors.  In the end, care taking is not only unhealthy for you, but for the other person too.  For instance, Kalie's friend Dana didn't need another friend to gratify her narcissistic needs; she needed a friend who would confront her behaviors, offering her a chance to look at herself and grow.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 144

Quote of the Day

... the self-righteous narcissism portrayed in a life of impeccable goodness also prevents the recognition of falseness since this person fully believes that his life reflects nothing but goodness and grace.  His false pride must be exposed by his "empathic failures" -- his inability to forgive and accept the full humanity in others and ultimately in himself.  After all, how can we say that goodness is good without love?  Only when the older brother is challenged to forgive and love his brother with all his faults and failures do we see the narcissism of the eldest brother [in the biblical story of the prodigal son].  In fact, what other means would allow the discovery of unhealthy narcissism in a person who has demonstrated a life of correct living since we cannot see his attitude towards his own human failings?

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 137

Quote of the Day

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.

-- James Baldwin

Quote of the Day

The ability to recognize your own unhealthy narcissism will empower you to speak out against the unhealthy narcissism in your partner.  Your choices involving your relationship will also become clear to you as you claim a life of authenticity.  When you can build your relationship on the sacred ground of truth and love, you will find the fulfillment and contentment of true intimacy -- an intimacy of love that comes from the deep knowing of another person and, in turn, of being known.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 135

Quote of the Day

There are not two of you, sir.  There is not you, the father -- and you, the internet misogynist.  The internet you IS YOU.  If you are a misogynist on the internet, you are also a misogynist in your daughter's nursery.  While you are holding her.  While you are whispering to her your dreams for her: That she uses her heart and her mind and her passion to live a big life of purpose.  That's what you want for her right?  That's what all women want.  To be able to be fully human without the threat of violence.  Quit hating your daughter, sir.  She's a Warrior.  When we know better, we do better.  You know better now.  Step up.  For her.

-- Glennon Doyle Melton, "Quit Hating Her"

Quote of the Day

... intimacy is a "work in progress" and a lifelong commitment.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 133

Quote of the Day

Here is the thing that misogynists need to keep relearning:

If you call a woman a cunt, you are calling your sister and your mother and your infant daughter a cunt also.  You are actively creating a world in which it is okay to call those women cunts.  You are releasing poison into the air that the women in your life WILL BREATHE BACK IN.  You are poisoning your own people.  You cannot hate a woman for speaking her mind without hating all of us.  Women are a package deal.

-- Glennon Doyle Melton, "Quit Hating Her"

Quote of the Day

The relevance of each partner's childhood history and unresolved emotional issues cannot be sidestepped, no matter how much we would wish to do so ... powerful forces are at play, forces that reinforce our many rationalizations to not explore, not know, and not feel the emotional pain of our early lives.  And perhaps the most discouraging understanding in all of this is that the more intensely a person has been narcissistically wounded in childhood, the more intensely he or she will manifest a defense of denial and repression of this wounding.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 131-132

Quote of the Day

Songs are safe places where the vulnerable truth can be spoken.

-- Linford Detweiler

Quote of the Day

The development of empathy is the core issue in your relationship with your narcissistic partner because it is empathy that has been sacrificed in the adoption of the "false self."

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 131

Quote of the Day

Empathy (which is the ability to emotionally understand and or connect with another person) is the ability that is lacking for the narcissistic individual.  Because the only way to truly change and heal this problem is to rediscover and claim the cut-off feelings from childhood, all other avenues of attempting to restore empathy will generally be superficial.  Just offering a set of instructions to the partner on how to behave empathically would not only be a temporary fix, but potentially another re-enactment of childhood wounding because a partner may feel that he or she is only pretending all over again.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 131

Quote of the Day

One remarkable advantage to couple's therapy is that the struggles between you and your partner point the way like an arrow to the otherwise cryptic and forgotten history of your childhood.  Developing insight into your own childhood wounding can be much easier to accomplish in the forum of couple's therapy.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 130

Quote of the Day

The discovery of your own truth offers the leverage and capability you have always had but didn't know -- the power to resolve your struggle and find peace.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 122

Quote of the Day

We are here and around the world for a deep democracy that says we will not be quiet, we will not be controlled, we will work for a world in which all countries are connected.  God may be in the details, but the goddess is in connections.  We are at one with each other, we are looking at each other, not up.  No more asking daddy.

-- Gloria Steinem, Women's March on Washington D.C.

Quote of the Day

I believe that the free expression of resentment against one's parents represents a great opportunity.  It provides access to one's true self, reactivates numbed feelings, opens that way for mourning and...with luck...reconciliation.  In any case, it is an essential part of the process of psychic healing.

-- Alice Miller, For Your Own Good

Quote of the Day

Until we can acknowledge our feelings with honesty, we cannot assert with confidence our perception of what is false in another person, especially the false self of our partner.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 122

Quote of the Day

To be free to express resentment dating back to early childhood does not mean that one now becomes a resentful person, but rather the exact opposite.

-- Alice Miller, For Your Own Good

Quote of the Day

Coming on his first full day in office, Trump's 15-minute talk was delivered as he stood before the Wall of Stars that memorializes CIA agents killed in action.  It's hard to imagine that anyone could occupy this spot and speak with so little regard to accuracy and truth.  However, this is Donald Trump, and he didn't get where he is by exercising care, precision and restraint.

-- Michael D'Antonio, "Lying has worked for Donald Trump -- so why stop now?"

Quote of the Day

Even when a narcissistic parent demonstrates the inability for insight, he is capable of learning (over time) that the ground rules for interacting with you have changed.  He is able to learn that he must curb his inappropriate behaviors.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 94

Quote of the Day

The day after his inaugural address, Trump -- in a speech to the CIA -- denied ample photographic evidence, insisting that his swearing in was in fact attended by a crowd that "looked like a million, a million and a half people."  He then recruited the Almighty to aid the lie, saying heaven had stopped the rain from falling when he spoke -- "and then it became really sunny."  It rained throughout.

-- Michael D'Antonio, "Lying has worked for Donald Trump -- so why stop now?"