Quote of the Day

Poems arrive ready to begin.  Poets are only the transportation.

-- Mary Oliver, "Humility"

Quote of the Day

Throughout his life Trump has insisted he is richer than people acknowledge.  Now winning the presidency isn't sufficient.  He wants the final score to be adjusted in his favor.  Trump's complaints and distortions suggest that even as he carries out his duties as President, he will reflexively promote his alternate view of reality.

-- Michael D'Antonio, "Lying has worked for Donald Trump -- so why stop now?"

Quote of the Day

Each time we express and release some of these painful feelings, we gain confidence in our ability to regroup after a period of emotional work in therapy.  We being to allow ourselves to enter into this process more freely.  Whether we are a CEO, teacher, mother, doctor, or student trying to maintain a challenging life full of responsibilities, we gradually discover that we will not have to drop out of our duties or pursuits in life to do this healing work.  In fact, we recognize the enormous benefit of embarking on this path because we now glimpse greater feelings of aliveness and spontaneity.  We begin to feel the reward of getting in touch with a truer experience of life.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 86

Quote of the Day

You've got to give Donald Trump points for consistent audacity.  When you lie, distort, and make God an accomplice while speaking to the Central Intelligence Agency -- where facts are the coin of the realm -- you must have absolute confidence in your abilities.  In the first days of his presidency, Trump has shown he will continue to wreak havoc on established facts, even as he ticks items off his political to-do list.

-- Michael D'Antonio, "Lying has worked for Donald Trump -- so why stop now?"

Quote of the Day

Grieving the losses of early childhood is the heart of the healing work we must do.  The beginning stages of this process are undeniably the most difficult.  When we first begin to feel some of the intense feelings we have repressed from childhood, we feel a natural fear that somehow our pain will be limitless.  Countless clients have said to their therapists, "I'm afraid if I let myself cry, I will never stop!"  Fear of being overwhelmed is the unavoidable demon we must wrestle with as we open the door to the truth of our unacknowledged feelings.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 85

Quote of the Day

All Americans -- especially Trump supporters -- must demand that Trump and his administration always tell us the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  No more fabrications, exaggerations or outright lies by Trump or his officials should be tolerated by any American regardless of political affiliation.  And all Americans -- including the media -- must call out Trump's lies and never accept PC terms for them like "alternative facts."

-- Dean Obeidallah, "Dear team Trump, 'alternative facts' are lies"

Quote of the Day

... our psyches will push us from within to face our history and the legacy of our parent's history.  The push is usually in the form of a psychological or relationship crisis.  The inevitable first step is finding the courage to face our inner self in a much deeper way than we may have been willing to face before.  Once we have a crisis that we cannot ignore -- whether it is a relationship failure, depression, or unrelenting anxiety -- we may finally allow ourselves permission to look further into our psyches and seek help in therapy.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 84

Quote of the Day

Not accepting lies as "alternative facts" is an issue that truly must transcend partisan politics.  If Trump and his administration are going to continue lying to us, how can we trust any information they release?  How can we trust the administration's statements on issues like the unemployment rate, GDP growth or numbers of people signing up for government programs like Obamacare?  And even more concerning, how can we trust anything the Trump administration states about national security issues?  When Trump officials tell us that they know who committed a terrorist attack or that they have eliminated terrorists, how can we believe them?

-- Dean Obeidallah, "Dear team Trump, 'alternative facts' are lies"

Quote of the Day

I once heard of a psychoanalyst who was famous for his parting ritual.  He would shake a person's hand and say, "May you have a good nightmare!"  This odd-sounding goodbye reflected his belief that only when we are pushed to the wall by our pain from within, will we face the unresolved issues that reside under the surface of our defenses.  The sufficiently painful "nightmare" that demands our attention to wake up is also our greatest ally, as it signals the beginning of this journey.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 84

Quote of the Day

Social attitudes oftentimes take generations to change.  But if our democracy is to work in this increasingly diverse nation, then each one of us need to try to heed the advice of a great character in American fiction -- Atticus Finch -- who said "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." ... For native-born Americans, it means reminding ourselves that the stereotypes about immigrants today were said, almost word for word, about the Irish, and Italians, and Poles -- who it was said we're going to destroy the fundamental character of America.  And as it turned out, America wasn't weakened by the presence of these newcomers; these newcomers embraced this nation's creed, and this nation was strengthened.

-- President Barack Obama, Farewell Address

Quote of the Day

The child who has paid the price of shutting down the feelings of hurt and pain is the adult who remains hostage to the blackmail of his defense mechanisms.  The ransom is the damage that our defenses do to others or ourselves.  For example, we may regularly displace or project our feelings onto others, or instead internalize our feelings causing a depletion of confidence and energy for life.  Perhaps our unacknowledged feelings manifest themselves in the form of chronic irritability, depression, or a negative outlook.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 83

Quote of the Day

Social attitudes oftentimes take generations to change.  But if our democracy is to work in this increasingly diverse nation, then each one of us need to try to heed the advice of a great character in American fiction -- Atticus Finch -- who said "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." ... For white Americans, it means acknowledging that the effects of slavery and Jim Crow didn't suddenly vanish in the '60s [and] that when minority groups voice discontent, they're not just engaging in reverse racism or practicing political correctness.  When they wage peaceful protest, they're not demanding special treatment but the equal treatment that our Founders promised.

-- President Barack Obama, Farewell Address

Quote of the Day

Whenever we lack empathy for our children or someone else (provided we acknowledge it), we can begin to recognize that we are in close proximity to a deeper connection with our own childhood wounding.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 83

Quote of the Day

Social attitudes oftentimes take generations to change.  But if our democracy is to work in this increasingly diverse nation, then each one of us need to try to heed the advice of a great character in American fiction -- Atticus Finch -- who said "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."  For blacks and other minority groups, it means tying our own very real struggles for justice to the challenges that a lot of people in this country face -- not only the refugee, or the immigrant, or the rural poor, or the transgender American, but also the middle-aged white guy who, from the outside, may seem like he's got advantages, but has seen his world upended by economic and cultural and technological change.  We have to pay attention, and listen.

-- President Barack Obama, Farewell Address

Quote of the Day

Because I am so often dismayed by the endlessly creative efforts that friends, family members, and clients use to circumvent this imperative healing process, I am compelled to state that this resistance is our own worst enemy.  In fact, our resistance to journey more deeply into ourselves lies at the very heart of our arrested growth.  This resistance to explore our inner emotions is primarily due to our fear and reluctance to face feelings that at one time in our life were so overwhelming and painful that we developed defenses to protect us from even knowing they exist.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 80

Quote of the Day

The challenge will be a steep one for journalists and for all Americans, when so much of what comes from the next president has to checked and double-checked.  The first step is to establish when there is a gaslighting operation in progress.  Then comes the battle to hold on to the facts.
 
-- Frida Ghitis, "Donald Trump is 'gaslighting' all of us"

Quote of the Day

Pain is often the unwelcome herald of needed change.  Pain also insists that this change be given the attention it deserves, which is generally far more than we want to acknowledge.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 79

Quote of the Day

When Trump says something that outrages a portion of the population and pleases one segment, he can have it both ways.  Voters eager for a tough guy president may be happy with the bully, while those who don't like it might be appeased by the denial.
 
-- Frida Ghitis, "Donald Trump is 'gaslighting' all of us"

Quote of the Day

Few of us in our early adult years are aware that these [psychological] defenses [developed in childhood] exist, let alone the powerful role they play in our lives, directing our behaviors, influencing our interpretations of others and, most importantly, causing us to replay old and painful scenarios.  Only by the time we are well into our twenties or thirties do we begin to recognize these powerful unconscious forces.  Finally, even when we do see that our history is negatively impacting our behaviors, choices, and feelings, we must confront the unspoken commandment of our families and our culture to not look, not explore, and not know our deeper self. 

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 78

Quote of the Day

Mental health professionals have made much of the practice [of gaslighting], said to be a favorite of narcissists and abusive spouses.  But more recently the tactical tampering with the truth has become a preferred method of strongmen around the world.  Gaslighting by other means was always a common feature of dictatorships, but it has found new vogue as a more subtle form of domestic political control even in countries with varying degrees of democracy.  Now Trump has brought it to the United States.  The techniques include saying and doing things and then denying it, blaming others for misunderstanding, disparaging their concerns as oversensitivity, claiming outrageous statements were jokes or misunderstandings, and other forms of twilighting the truth.

-- Frida Ghitis, "Donald Trump is 'gaslighting' all of us"

Quote of the Day

... the defenses we develop in childhood become the primary source of self-sabotaging behaviors in adult life, interfering with our ability to achieve the goals we seek.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 77-78

Quote of the Day

The fact is Trump has become America's gaslighter in chief.

-- Frida Ghitis, "Donald Trump is 'gaslighting' all of us"

Quote of the Day

This instinct to humiliate when it's modeled by someone in the public ... by someone powerful, it filters down into everyone's life because it kind of gives permission for other people to do the same.  When the powerful use their position to bully others, we all lose.

-- Meryl Streep

Quote of the Day

(My rebelling) was more about society and what they allow.  You're given two messages.  You're saying girls can be anything, and then you give girls shit when they do something outside the box, different than what you expect a girl to be.  When a girl dresses different than you expect a girl to dress, if she doesn't just have a dress on with her long hair parted in the middle and big tits and high heels...you know, I'm not cutting it down at all.  It's just, that's one uniform, and I have my uniform.

-- Joan Jett

Quote of the Day

The turning point towards healing is a mysterious and often exciting passage.  Like the feelings before a rainstorm, a heaviness hangs in the air, then a sudden drop in pressure and a gathering of forces transforms the clouds into a chorus of raindrops.  Our psyche resembles this process as it signals a readiness to cleanse itself.  Sometimes a crisis is the catalyst for this healing opportunity, yet other times only one small painful event occurs in a long cascade of similar events.  Somehow this particular moment triggers a feeling of imperative need -- the drive to break through the defenses and begin the journey of healing.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 77

Quote of the Day

I'm tired of irony. ... The [person] who refuses sentiment refuses the full spectrum of human behavior, and then just dries up. ... I would rather give full vent to all human loves and disappointments, and take a chance on being corny, than die a smartass.

-- Jim Harrison

Quote of the Day

People get confused in their minds about what a woman is.  I think deep, deep down girls sometimes feel like they have to hold themselves back, that they can't just get up on stage and do whatever comes out.  I never even think about it.  It's like when you're in the middle of sports.  You're not thinking about what you're doing, you're doing it.  To me, that means going up and howling like a banshee and sweating, which some girls might consider being unwomanly.  It makes me feel good.  It makes me feel sexy.  I don't feel inhibited.

-- Joan Jett

Quote of the Day

The beginning of all healing must start with awareness and the retrieval of our authentic thoughts and feelings.  The many lost opportunities to explore and know the self are important to grieve.  In other words, the adult child must validate and empathize with his or her genuine feelings and with the lost opportunity to feel unconditional love.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 75

Bookin' It in 2016

I read the following 14 books in 2016. The titles in bold were particularly influential, inspiring or intriguing.

1. My Life on the Road by Gloria Steinem
2. The L Word Book by Jennifer Beals
3. Girls to the Front: The True Story of the Riot Grrrl Revolution by Sara Marcus
4. How to Be Here: A Guide to Creating a Life Worth Living by Rob Bell
5. A Queer and Pleasant Danger: The True Story of a Nice Jewish Boy Who Joins the Church of Scientology and Leaves Twelve Years Later to Become the Lovely Lady She Is Today by Kate Bornstein
6. The Rainbow Comes and Goes: A Mother and Son on Life, Love, and Loss by Anderson Cooper & Gloria Vanderbilt
7. Switching Teams: What Coming Out Later in Life Taught Me About Love, Conquering Fear and Accepting Change by Dawn Elizabeth Waters
8. Lynnee Breedlove's One Freak Show by Lynn Breedlove
9. Sum It Up: 1,098 Victories, a Couple of Irrelevant Losses, and a Life in Perspective by Pat Summitt with Sally Jenkins
10. Looking for The Gulf Motel by Richard Blanco
11. Boy Erased: A Memoir by Garrard Conley
12. I'm Just a Person by Tig Notaro
13. Blue Horses by Mary Oliver
14. Forward by Abby Wambach

Quote of the Day

At the heart of all the difficulties in growing up with the NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) parent is the common denominator of loss -- loss of the unconditional love and recognition for being special, individual, and unique.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 59

Quote of the Day

Your emerging recognition of your parent's narcissism is evidence of your growing capacity to validate your own true self.  In fact, you are realizing that your NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) parent's criticisms and rejections have had nothing to do with the real you.  As your awareness grows, the liberation and relief you feel is your first genuine reward for the healing work you have done.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 58

Quote of the Day

To recognize the NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) parent's wounding and understand that it exists alongside manipulative behaviors is a difficult picture to accept, since it confronts us with the truth about the NPD parent's limitations to love.

-- Eleanor D. Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, p. 58