Quote of the Day

Compassion and connection -- the very things that give purpose and meaning to our lives -- can only be learned if they are experienced.

-- Brene Brown, Daring Greatly, p. 219

Quote of the Day

We have to stop generalizing about "the American people," as if we were one homogeneous lump.  I'm also now immune to politicians who say, "I've traveled the length and breadth of this great land, and I know..."  I've traveled more than any of them, and I don't know.

-- Gloria Steinem, My Life on the Road, p. xx

Quote of the Day

If the survival of any relationship depends on your constantly giving in to emotional blackmail, you have to ask yourself if the relationship is worth your well-being.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 221

Quote of the Day

With his own behavior, Hitler demonstrated to the world the kind of person his father was and the kind of treatment he suffered at his hands when he was a child: destructive, pitiless, ostentatious, merciless, boastful, perverted, self-enamored, shortsighted, and stupid.  In his unconscious imitation he was faithful to his father's example.  For the same reason, other dictators like Stalin, Mussolini, Franco, Ceausescu, Idi Amin, and Saddam Hussein behaved in a very similar way.  Saddam's biography is a striking example of how extreme humiliation in childhood is avenged on thousands and thousands of victims at a later date.

-- Alice Miller, The Body Never Lies, p. 91-92

Quote of the Day

Our stories of worthiness -- of being enough -- begin in our first families.  The narrative certainly doesn't end there, but what we learn about ourselves and how we learn to engage with the world as children sets a course that either will require us to spend a significant part of our life fighting to reclaim our self-worth or will give us hope, courage, and resilience for our journey.

-- Brene Brown, Daring Greatly, p. 216-217

Quote of the Day

Personally, while it would be edifying, I'm pretty sure that it would be unfair of me, as a Christian who believes in strict gun control, to occupy an influential position in the office that handed out gun licenses and then simply refuse to hand out any licenses stating my sincere religious beliefs. It technically makes me unsuitable for the job. Just as Kim Davis' beliefs make her unsuitable.

-- Paul Brandeis Raushenbush, "No, Kim Davis Is Not Martin Luther King, Jr."

Quote of the Day

Taking to the road -- by which I mean letting the road take you -- changed who I thought I was.  The road is messy in the way that real life is messy.  It leads us out of denial and into reality, out of theory and into practice, out of caution and into action, out of statistics and into stories -- in short, out of our heads and into our hearts.  It's right up there with life-threatening emergencies and truly mutual sex as a way of being fully alive in the present.

-- Gloria Steinem, My Life on the Road, p. xix

Quote of the Day

It's scary, telling another person "This is who I am.  This is what I want."  Scarier still is standing by the truth of ourselves -- our integrity -- as we must when we give the other person a choice to accept or not accept our decisions and differences.  We may feel as though expressing our needs is akin to making demands, but remember that what we're asking of the blackmailer is absolutely reasonable: we want the other person to stop manipulating us.  We're not asking for anything that will harm us or them.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 221

Quote of the Day

The past cannot be expunged, nor can one come to terms with it, as long as one denies the suffering it involved.

-- Alice Miller, The Body Never Lies, p. 91

Quote of the Day

Certainty often breeds absolutes, intolerance, and judgment. 

-- Brene Brown, Daring Greatly, p. 215

Quote of the Day

Leadership is scarce because few people are willing to go through the discomfort required to lead.  This scarcity makes leadership valuable.... It's uncomfortable to stand up in front of strangers.  It's uncomfortable to propose an idea that might fail.  It's uncomfortable to challenge the status quo.  It's uncomfortable to resist the urge to settle.  When you identify the discomfort, you've found the place where a leader is needed.  If you're not uncomfortable in your work as a leader, it's almost certain you're not reaching your potential as a leader.

-- Seth Godin, Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us

Quote of the Day

Over time and far from home, I discovered something I might never otherwise have learned: people in the same room understand and empathize with each other in a way that isn't possible on the page or screen.

-- Gloria Steinem, My Life on the Road, p. xix

Quote of the Day

Kim Davis is no Martin Luther King, Jr.  You may think that is obvious, but Kim Davis has already become a symbol for what is euphemistically called "Freedom of Religion," which unfortunately in recent months has just become code for anti-LGBT bigotry. With no irony, the Southern Baptist Rev. Mike Huckabee quoted Dr. King's Letter from Birmingham Jail as he called for civil disobedience against same sex marriage.  The first obvious difference between King and Davis is that Davis was a government employee who was paid by taxpayers to do a job that included issuing marriage licenses.  While conscientious objection is protected in America, such as pacifists opting out of military duty, it does not mean that people entrusted by the American people to enforce the laws of the land can "opt out."

-- Paul Brandeis Raushenbush, "No, Kim Davis Is Not Martin Luther King, Jr."

Quote of the Day

Blackmailers are often unaware of how painful their behavior and pressure have been, because targets have been too frightened, angry or discouraged to let them know, believing that it wouldn't do any good.  

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 219

Quote of the Day

There are indeed countless other people who have been through similar experiences, but the authors whose life traumas I have just discussed are world famous, so the truth of what I have to say about them can be verified by consulting their works and their biographies.  What they all have in common is their unswerving allegiance to the Fourth Commandment.  They all honored their parents throughout their lives, even though those parents did them immeasurable harm.  They sacrificed the desire for truth, self-loyalty, genuine communication, understanding, and appreciation on the altar of parental respect, all in the hope of being loved and not rejected.  The truth that found its way into their works was disassociated from themselves.  This was the burden imposed by the Fourth Commandment, and it kept them penned up in the prison of denial.

-- Alice Miller, The Body Never Lies, p. 79

Quote of the Day

In an organizational culture where respect and the dignity of individuals are held as the highest values, shame and blame don't work as management styles.  There is no leading by fear.

-- Brene Brown, Daring Greatly, p. 196

Quote of the Day

What seems to be one thing from a distance is very different close up.

-- Gloria Steinem, My Life on the Road, p. xv

Quote of the Day

A relationship is like a pitcher of milk.  Sometimes you can get it back in the refrigerator in time, but if it's been left out too long and goes sour, nothing will ever make it sweet again.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 192

Quote of the Day

Of course, we cannot deny the fact that many people live for a long time even though they idealize the parents who were once cruel to them.  But we do not know how they contrived to come to terms with their own un-truth.  Most of them passed it on unconsciously to the next generation.  What we do know is that, at some point, the writers we have been discussing began to suspect their own truth.  But isolated in a society that will always take the part of the parents, they were unable to find the courage to abandon their denial.

-- Alice Miller, The Body Never Lies, p. 80

Quote of the Day

Someone who objects to war due to his religious conscience has a right to be a conscientious objector and not serve in the military, even were there to be a draft.  But he does not have the right to serve as a military officer, draw a paycheck from the military and then substitute his own personal views of when war is justified for that of the government.

-- Jonathan H. Adler, "Justice Scalia explained why Kim Davis should issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples or find a new job"

Quote of the Day

Just like blame is a sign of shame-based organizations, cover-up cultures depend on shame to keep folks quiet.  When the culture of an organization mandates that it is more important to protect the reputation of a system and those in power than it is to protect the basic human dignity of individuals or communities, you can be certain that shame is systemic, money drives ethics, and accountability is dead.  This is true in all systems, from corporations, nonprofits, universities, and governments, to churches, schools, families, and sports programs.  If you think back on any major incidents fueled by cover-ups, you'll see this pattern.

-- Brene Brown, Daring Greatly, p. 195-196

Quote of the Day

Typically, in our FOG-filled interactions with blackmailers, the obvious eludes us.  That's what makes it so important to slow down and observe.  Doing so allows you to explore the vast territory that exists right outside the immediate yes that you've become accustomed to giving to your blackmailers.  When you become clear about your decision before you respond to the blackmailer, you can find compromises that quite frequently satisfy you both.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 176

Quote of the Day

If (author Marcel Proust) had ever been able to address to his mother the words that he puts into the mouth of his hero Jean Santeuil, then he would not have developed asthma, he would not have suffered from attacks of suffocating breathlessness, he would not have had to spend half his life in bed, and he would not have died so young.  He puts this quite clearly in the letter to his mother, in which he says that he would rather be ill than run the risk of displeasing her.  Even today, statements of this kind are by no means rare.  What we need to do is to make it clear to ourselves what consequences such emotional blindness entails.

-- Alice Miller, The Body Never Lies, p. 75-76

Quote of the Day

(My mother) was (ambivalent about my success).  I was revealing intimate stuff about her life.  But that was how I communicated with her.  There was no other way to talk to her except by writing a book.

-- Alison Bechdel, "Alison Bechdel Misses Feeling Special"

Quote of the Day

Blame is simply the discharging of pain and discomfort.  We blame when we're uncomfortable and experience pain -- when we're vulnerable, angry, hurt, in shame, grieving.  There's nothing productive about blame, and it often involves shaming someone or just being mean.  If blame is a pattern in your culture, then shame needs to be addressed as an issue.

-- Brene Brown, Daring Greatly, p. 195

Quote of the Day

Learning to tolerate discomfort in the service of healthy change is one of the most difficult things any of us has to do.  In the past, discomfort has always been the prelude to compliance, but now you're changing all that, and you're going to feel unsteady.  It's OK to feel uncertain and anxious as you regain your integrity.  Things are starting to shift internally as well as externally, and I want to reassure you that it's perfectly natural to feel shaky when that's happening.  Don't let discomfort throw you off course. 

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 157-158

Quote of the Day

After you find your voice, you realize there's really only one person to imitate, and that's yourself.  You do it by combining different influences.  I think the first part of it is you do slavish imitations, which are almost like travesties, you know.  But gradually you come under the right influences, picking and choosing, and being selective, and then maybe your voice is the combination of six or eight other voices that you have managed to blend in such a way that no one can recognize the sources.  You can take intimacy from Whitman, you can learn the dash from Emily Dickinson...you can pick a little bit from every writer and you combine them.  This allows you to be authentic.  That's one of the paradoxes of the writing life: that the way to originality is through imitation.

 -- Billy Collins

Quote of the Day

What caused Proust's severe physical condition was the obligation of undying gratitude and the impossibility of putting up any resistance to the mother's controls and restrictions.  It was internalized morality that forced Marcel Proust to suppress his rebellion.

-- Alice Miller, The Body Never Lies, p. 75

Quote of the Day

Here's the best way to think about the relationship between shame and blame: If blame is driving, shame is riding shotgun.  In organizations, schools, and families, blaming and finger-pointing are often symptoms of shame.

-- Brene Brown, Daring Greatly, p. 195