Quote of the Day

The fantasy of the good family that Carol conjured for her is hard to resist -- a good family is something we all yearn for, something many of us didn't get.  The desire for it is strong, and the possibility of getting it pulls us like a magnet.  Ultimately, however, I was able to show Jan that if she didn't have the kind of family she wanted by this point in her life, she probably wasn't going to get it.  Carol had painted a beautiful picture for her, but it wasn't real.  You can't write a check for a thousand or a million or 10 million dollars and buy closeness, no matter what blackmailers might insist.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 37

Quote of the Day

If you think all birds look like eagles, you might be shocked when someone tells you the swan that just floated by was a bird, too.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 18

Quote of the Day

With every step you take to learn and use skills that will disarm your emotional blackmailers, you will be restoring the very core of your being -- your integrity.  That precious wholeness you mourned for was never really lost -- just misplaced.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 252

Quote of the Day

You are entitled to live by the codes and beliefs that you accept freely as an adult instead of the ones that you assumed automatically and unquestioningly long ago.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 239

Quote of the Day

When you decide to leave or cut off from an important person in your life, you enter a state of crisis -- a time of intense emotional upheaval and uncertainty.  But crisis is not just a time of danger.  When managed thoughtfully and with courage, crisis is also a marvelous opportunity for personal growth and a better life.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 232

Quote of the Day

On the other side of the fear of disapproval is the freedom to imagine and create a life that really belongs to you.  I'm not going to pretend it's easy, but every time you make the commitment to steer your own ship, you take a giant step toward shaping a life that reflects what you know and what you believe is right for you -- no matter what anyone else may think or say.  When you do that, you'll be able to kick your addiction to approval.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 227

Quote of the Day

If we allow other people's approval or disapproval to define us, we set ourselves up to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with us whenever we incur displeasure.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 225

Quote of the Day

If you get stronger, healthier and more confident and the other person doesn't like it, what does that say about the quality of the relationship that you're trying so hard to save?  What is it based on?

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 221

Quote of the Day

If the survival of any relationship depends on your constantly giving in to emotional blackmail, you have to ask yourself if the relationship is worth your well-being.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 221

Quote of the Day

It's scary, telling another person "This is who I am.  This is what I want."  Scarier still is standing by the truth of ourselves -- our integrity -- as we must when we give the other person a choice to accept or not accept our decisions and differences.  We may feel as though expressing our needs is akin to making demands, but remember that what we're asking of the blackmailer is absolutely reasonable: we want the other person to stop manipulating us.  We're not asking for anything that will harm us or them.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 221

Quote of the Day

Blackmailers are often unaware of how painful their behavior and pressure have been, because targets have been too frightened, angry or discouraged to let them know, believing that it wouldn't do any good.  

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 219

Quote of the Day

A relationship is like a pitcher of milk.  Sometimes you can get it back in the refrigerator in time, but if it's been left out too long and goes sour, nothing will ever make it sweet again.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 192

Quote of the Day

Typically, in our FOG-filled interactions with blackmailers, the obvious eludes us.  That's what makes it so important to slow down and observe.  Doing so allows you to explore the vast territory that exists right outside the immediate yes that you've become accustomed to giving to your blackmailers.  When you become clear about your decision before you respond to the blackmailer, you can find compromises that quite frequently satisfy you both.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 176

Quote of the Day

Learning to tolerate discomfort in the service of healthy change is one of the most difficult things any of us has to do.  In the past, discomfort has always been the prelude to compliance, but now you're changing all that, and you're going to feel unsteady.  It's OK to feel uncertain and anxious as you regain your integrity.  Things are starting to shift internally as well as externally, and I want to reassure you that it's perfectly natural to feel shaky when that's happening.  Don't let discomfort throw you off course. 

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 157-158

Quote of the Day

Once you are less afraid and feel less manipulated by fear, obligation and guilt, you'll notice how many choices open up to you.  You'll be able to decide who you want to be close to, how much you are responsible for other people, how you really want to use your time and love and energy.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 146

Quote of the Day

We, who are good at so many things in our lives, often resist changing self-defeating behavior patterns with exquisitely wrought reasons why we can't do anything different.  So we wait to learn new behavior until we feel a little less anxious, a bit less afraid or insecure.  And the blackmail gets worse.  The good news is that if you're willing to take action now and let your feelings of confidence and competence catch up with you, you can end emotional blackmail.  The bad news is that you have to begin the change process while you are still afraid.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 144

Quote of the Day

Change requires using information, not just collecting it.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 144

Quote of the Day

I certainly don't go along with the idea that every physical ailment is psychosomatic, but there is ample evidence that the mind, emotions and body are intimately connected.  Emotional distress can significantly increase our vulnerability to headaches, muscle spasms, gastrointestinal problems, respiratory disorders and a host of other ailments.  I believe strongly that the stress and tension that accompany emotional blackmail may manifest themselves in physical symptoms when other outlets of expression are blocked or shut down.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 135-136

Quote of the Day

Every time you don't take the class you want to take, every time you stop pursuing an interest or stop seeing people you care about in order to make a blackmailer happy, you are giving up an important part of yourself and diminishing your wholeness.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 133

Quote of the Day

Protecting our integrity can be frightening and lonely.  It puts us at risk of incurring the disapproval of people we care about, and it may even jeopardize a relationship.

-- Susan Forward with Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail, p. 132